New York Tolgae on Embracing the 'Ordinary'

Resentment often stems from over-analyzing the behavior and motives of others, creating undue mental burdens.

Viewing others as ordinary is not about positive thinking but rather about seeing them as they truly are, which the author states offers a profound sense of personal liberation and emotional lightness.

The interviewer notes that this concept challenges narrow definitions of human value, akin to Buddhist principles and Christian teachings on unconditional love, and the author highlights this insight as a 'hidden' gem in their book.

This despising of the ordinary often hinders personal growth and courage due to the pervasive fear of failure, where a success-oriented culture can act as a boomerang that trips people up.

People often withdraw from social roles when they feel they lack 'proper' credentials, creating a barrier between their identity and societal expectations.

Rational realms like assets and employment often overwhelm the realm of human existence, though child-rearing provides a practical example where existence supersedes rational duties.

New York Tolgae frames enlightenment and love as essential mechanisms for breaking free from restrictive 'must-do' pressures imposed by society and oneself.

This self-liberation allows for significant personal growth, or 'blooming,' as the acceptance of others is inherently linked to loving oneself.

The speaker argues that while staring at the sky for 20 hours is often viewed as acceptable, watching YouTube is unfairly criticized, contending that it is a natural and acceptable activity for those with declining energy.

The speaker questions the societal pressure to die in the presence of family, suggesting that such a scene can inflict visual trauma on loved ones.

He advocates for a solitary, quiet passing, citing the emotional burden it places on family members as a reason to avoid it, and noting that technology like an Apple Watch can assist those who choose to die alone.

The speaker highlights how deeply held societal beliefs can be shattered by a single perspective or even a simple laugh, prompting a reevaluation of what constitutes a 'good' death.

Koreans are described as being overly rational, often prioritizing logic and societal roles over their own existence.

This necessity of aligning with societal roles and qualifications often leads individuals to withdraw from society when they feel they cannot meet these 'rational' standards.

The speaker links the phenomenon of reclusive youths becoming middle-aged adults to this pervasive pressure to meet 'rational' standards, emphasizing that existence should not be sacrificed for the sake of maintaining rational constructs.

Being overly rational and strictly rule-abiding can create immense internal pressure.

A 'loose-screwed' approach, as described by the speaker, allows for better mental stability and liberation from rigid societal norms, which is considered a healthier approach in Korean society.

Acceptance involves moving beyond rigid 'I should' or 'It should be this way' mindsets.

Over-rationality, according to New York Tolgae, inevitably leads to resentment and contempt when reality fails to align with preconceived expectations.

Prioritizing existence over logic allows one to see others as human beings, a concept related to Zen masters who often acted outside conventional logic to help disciples break free from mental constraints.

The speaker reveals that his son, who does not respond to logic, has become an involuntary teacher, forcing the speaker to adapt and confront his own stubborn adherence to logical frameworks.

Caring for a sick child who cannot communicate makes the speaker realize he was the 'fool' for trying to force his son into a logical framework rather than accepting his reality.

Daily caregiving routines, such as feeding and hygiene, serve as constant, non-stop 'Zen' training, deepening his understanding of acceptance and reality.

What appears as the 'worst luck' from an outsider's perspective can be reinterpreted as a form of great fortune for one's spiritual growth, according to New York Tolgae.

He argues that judging situations as inherently good or bad is the true root of self-created suffering, and abandoning the need to assert one's own position can break this cycle.

The speaker notes that reactions to external events, such as being cursed on a subway, are often the primary source of one's own suffering, rather than the events themselves.

People often experience distress because they are trapped in a sense of 'moral' or 'rational' justification for their anger and suffering.

The speaker suggests that the belief that someone else 'started it' ultimately leads to self-created suffering, as one remains bound by a rigid, often unhelpful, logical framework.

Stepping out of this 'box of rationality' is presented as the essential path to ending the cycle of anger and distress, fostering true liberation.

New York Tolgae shares an experience of people peeking into his storefront, which initially caused surprise, but he chose to view their curiosity as a natural human reaction.

He explains that adopting the 'empty boat' principle allows him to remain calm despite others' unpredictable behavior, avoiding irritation by seeing such interactions as neutral events.

He argues that the idea of a fixed, inherent 'unique self,' independent of one's experiences, is a fiction, suggesting that 'self' is the result of digesting various incidents and external influences.

The belief that 'I am this kind of person by nature' is where the fiction lies, as people are profoundly shaped by their environment, much like a seed landing in a cotton field versus a grass field.

New York Tolgae explains that character is largely shaped by circumstances such as family background and upbringing, rather than an unchangeable intrinsic nature.

He posits that the concept of 'self' is ultimately an emptiness because there is no fixed nature, and becoming obsessed with an inherent self leads to feelings of emptiness.

The realization that there is no fixed 'me' or 'you' is, for New York Tolgae, as clear an awareness as knowing an object's location even with eyes closed.

This perspective, which he states developed roughly two years ago, prevents long-term anger even when faced with daily annoyances, as the 'self' is seen as a constantly unfixed milestone rather than a destination.

New York Tolgae argues that housework and child-rearing are unfairly discounted as sources of self-esteem, despite their profound societal impact.

He believes that raising stable, mentally healthy children provides more value than typical jobs earning 3-4 million won, emphasizing that helping a child believe they are 'a person who is loved' is a profound societal contribution with an extremely high effort-to-value ratio.