50s: Reasons for Drifting Apart from Children and Solutions

The 50s are a period of accelerating employment instability after retirement and increasing career uncertainty, including job changes and re-employment. Economic, relational, and physical challenges converge simultaneously, leading to a sense of temporal pressure that one's life situation could be overturned.

During this period, the perception that "the deadline is near" intensifies, acting as a crucial core of change for those in their 50s.

The 50s are a time when life experiences are most richly accumulated, yet simultaneously, the weight and responsibility of important choices grow ever larger. However, there is often a lack of places to seek advice, making it easy to feel life's pressures.

They are on "the boundary where this period can be very brilliant yet also the most miserable," implying that how one spends this time can significantly alter the direction of their life.

These changes represent the dissolution of traditional marriage frameworks and the emergence of new rules.

Professor Lee Ho-seon commented on these changes, stating, "On one hand, I think it's very rational," viewing it as a result of the younger generation's pragmatic values.

The transformation of modern marriage culture is a process where new frameworks are formed, departing from the existing generational ones. This is an unavoidable trend of the times, with the components of change continually shifting.

Professor Lee Ho-seon explained, "What we used to say, 'it was like this in the past,' meant we had a framework, and now this framework is beginning to change," emphasizing the need to understand and accept change itself.

Modern individuals show greater interest in autonomy than in the past. Autonomy refers to the capacity to make meaningful decisions about one's life, and it often conflicts with relatedness, which is mutual connection through agreed-upon decisions.

While values centered on relatedness were important in the past, the shift towards autonomy has created differences in rationality between older and younger generations.

Even if they don't understand the new culture, parents need to adopt an attitude of stepping back from their children's marriage culture.

A stance of partial surrender, acceptance, and observation is required, which is an important way to acknowledge generational differences.

If parents hinder, obstruct, or oppose their child's choice, the child, due to rebellious sentiment, falls deeper in love even if they know it's a wrong marriage. This is often called the 'Romeo and Juliet effect.'

Unconditional opposition actually strengthens the bond of the child's couple, and parents effectively have no right to intervene in their child's love and decisions.

Parents tend to think of the time and money invested in raising their children as an equity share, and thus try to interfere in their children's lives. However, raising children was merely the parents' choice, and they have no right to expect compensation.

The sentiment, "I raised you so diligently, so I hope you find a better spouse and create a better life," ultimately stems from parents' desire to get their money's worth.

For parents, accepting their child's union with an unsatisfactory spouse prevents their past investment, dedication, and effort in the child from going to waste. Children also tend to maintain the relationship to prove their choice was right.

Professor Lee Ho-seon explained that acknowledging each other's sunk costs can be key to resolving conflicts.

When parents reject their child's spouse, it's tantamount to rejecting the entire family of that spouse. This results in foregoing all the positive factors that could have been gained from the other family.

Since "a parent rejecting this new person introduced into our family means rejecting their entire family," the act of rejecting an entire family carries a very high relational risk.

This severance from one's origins is not a decision made lightly.

Professor Lee Ho-seon stated, "These days, if someone gets married and their spouse doesn't get along with their mother and father, they cut ties with their own parents. I think this is a truly immense matter," diagnosing it as a new way of relationship breakdown unfamiliar to the parental generation.

If children are unable to meet their grandparents due to parental conflict, emotional problems can arise. Children are at risk of viewing grandparents they've never met as their primary object of resentment in life, or as those who caused their parents suffering.

This can lead to severe side effects such as the severance of family lineage and origins, raising the question, "Do parents have the right to prevent children from seeing their grandparents?"

Rather than expecting the other party to understand, it's crucial to specifically communicate boundary standards.

Also, when a spouse acts as an information source between parents and daughter-in-law, care must be taken to prevent misinformation.

Professor Lee Ho-seon explained, "A healthy distance, first and foremost, involves physical distance," adding, "Intrusion is when someone abruptly steps in even though it should only be possible when my healthy distance is maintained."

Before marriage, it is important for prospective couples to receive counseling to learn how to set healthy boundary rules. This serves as the first bridge to creating good rules between the couple.

Even after a new family member joins, family counseling should be used to establish rules that minimize conflict.

Professor Lee Ho-seon recommended that "couples definitely receive pre-marital counseling," emphasizing that it "plays the role of laying the first bridge to creating good, healthy boundary rules between you and me, and learning how to create those rules."

Because such a large proportion is placed on children, when children leave, parents feel the empty space more profoundly and experience a greater, more painful sense of loss.

"The percentage, if you will, or the emotional volume that these parents have for their children, is much larger compared to other countries," is cited as the reason for this phenomenon.

Keeping distance from children should not be mistaken for 'emotional abandonment.' Professor Lee Ho-seon refers to this as 'continuous bond,' emphasizing the importance of a relationship where even when apart, individuals remember and trust each other in their daily lives.

Stating, "If we are apart but remember each other in our daily lives, wouldn't this perhaps become a very important bond for us?" she suggests that emotional connection can be maintained even when physical distance grows.

Someone with multiple joys can keep the mosaic of their life sparkling and brilliant with the remaining joys even if one or two joys disappear.

The advice, "I need to be happy whether they come or not, so my children don't feel burdened by me," illustrates the core attitude for being a parent who does not burden their children.

These books constantly discuss the importance of having an inner sparkle. She explained that this is the best way to walk into other people's joys and simultaneously invite others into one's own joys.