Anxious children are actually growing well

Professor Kim Kyung-il mentioned cases where parents directly intervened in their college-aged children's grades or residents' work, pointing out that such over-involvement by parents can socially isolate children and become a lifelong stigma. This results in parents usurping their child's problem-solving abilities.

Professor Kim Kyung-il stated, "I've received them too. Recently, a department head at a general hospital told me he received a call from a resident's parent, saying, 'Stop bothering my child,'" highlighting the severity of parental over-intervention in real-world situations.

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained that humans commit a cognitive error in every era, mistakenly believing that while the past decade has changed immensely, the next decade will remain the same. Especially with increasing age, the ability to accept and endure new changes weakens, making it easy to fall into the illusion that past methods of success will work in the future.

He emphasized the human tendency to underestimate future change, stating, "Humans in every era think that while the last 10 years have changed enormously, the next 10 years will stay the same."

Professor Kim Kyung-il asserted that parents' college admissions guidance is the worst kind of guidance. This is because most of the knowledge parents possess is based on outdated information and methodologies.

He explained that by the time a child turns 20, parents' experiences are often outdated and offer little practical help. He stated, "I always say that the college admissions guidance provided by parents is the most disorganized admissions guidance," pointing out that parents' knowledge is merely a relic to their children today.

Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized that parental intervention is unnecessary, except in extremely rare cases (less than 0.1%) where a child's life is threatened. He stated that conflicts and frictions experienced by children are essential for growth, and parents themselves must have experienced similar things in their lives.

He clarified the standard for parental intervention, saying, "Of course, if your child's life is threatened, you must intervene. But such situations are actually less than 0.1%, not 1%, and 99.9% are conflicts, disputes, or frictions that we, as parents, would have certainly experienced in our lives."

Professor Kim Kyung-il pointed out that parents who are convinced they know everything often know very little. He described this as a 'metacognitive error,' warning that past achievements of the parental generation can reinforce their current dogmatic attitude, negatively impacting their children's education.

Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized the danger of blindly trusting one's own experience, saying, "Those who claim to know everything—this is what we call metacognition. There's no one who knows less than those who say, 'I know because I've done it, I know because I've been there.'"

He explained that parents who admit they don't know actually provide more opportunities and environments for their children to dream.

Professor Kim Kyung-il mentioned this paradoxical reality, saying, "Many famous quotes among education experts state that the biggest saboteurs of a child's future are highly educated parents. High-income parents. And surprisingly, those lower-level parents who say, 'What would I know?' often give their children the most opportunities and chances to dream."

Professor Kim Kyung-il stressed that parents should constantly reflect on whether they are monopolizing their child's concerns. He added that this is not a one-time definition but a process that must be repeated every time.

Professor Kim Kyung-il urged continuous parental self-reflection, saying, "The core is to constantly reflect on whether parents are doing the worrying that the child should be doing. I always contemplate this: Is this my worry, or is it something my child should be worrying about? I always consider that first."

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained that a child's anxiety is a sign that their cognitive abilities have upgraded. Anxiety arises from the ability to foresee and prepare for the future, as one must be able to imagine the future to feel anxiety. He told parents with anxious children that this is actually something to celebrate.

Professor Kim Kyung-il offered a positive psychological interpretation of anxiety, saying, "When a child is anxious, I congratulate them. Their cognitive ability has upgraded to the next level."

This means the child has entered an important developmental stage where they no longer just live in the present but try to predict and plan for the future.

Professor Kim Kyung-il pointed out that if a child suddenly becomes very irritable and defiant towards parents' words, besides typical adolescent factors, anxiety might be at play. In an anxious state, individuals react more sensitively to pain or emotional stimuli, so external uncertainty can manifest as aggressive reactions in children.

Adult irritability is also essentially due to anxiety about certain events, and children's irritability and defiance can be understood in the same context.

Professor Kim Kyung-il advised looking for hidden anxiety factors behind a child's behavior, saying, "If a child suddenly becomes very irritable and defiant towards parents' words, while there are general adolescent factors, there is also anxiety."

This is because children had already experienced and been shaken by anxiety before adolescence, and as they enter adolescence, parental mid-life anxiety and adolescent anxiety occur simultaneously, leading children to detect and react to their parents' anxiety.

Professor Kim Kyung-il viewed adolescence as the period of anxiety's expression, stating, "These are things that shake them up even before adolescence. Adolescence is actually closer to an official declaration of that anxiety."

Professor Kim Kyung-il advised that when dealing with anxiety, instead of setting principles, one should frequently ponder in each moment. This is because setting principles can justify that one's deliberation every time.

However, he emphasized the importance of responding flexibly to different situations, finding solutions appropriate for various circumstances. Professor Kim Kyung-il explained the importance of flexible thinking, saying, "If you set principles, that deliberation becomes too justified every time. But if you ponder frequently, then it's like this at one time, and like that at another, and this way at yet another."

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained that parenting principles are necessary for survival and preventing basic tragedies, but in many other situations, it's better to have many 'cards in hand' gained from frequent pondering, rather than just principles. Relying on just one strategy can lead to negative parenting styles such as overprotection, excess, and indulgence.

He emphasized the importance of having diverse and appropriate response methods for a child's developmental stage, stating that various strategies allow one to face problems head-on and cope robustly. He asserted the importance of flexible parenting, saying, "Parenting principles are needed for mere survival and preventing basic tragedies, but there are truly many other things. Instead of principles, it's good to have many 'cards in hand' from frequent pondering."

He suggested using an Excel-based journal, which can reduce the burden of recording due to its auto-fill and sorting functions. He stated that a journal doesn't require a long narrative; simple traces like emotional states, hearts, or star marks are sufficient.

Past records can serve as clues and evidence of having overcome similar anxieties, helping to manage current anxiety.

Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized the importance of recording without burden, saying, "You should write a journal in the form that you find easiest. You just need to leave retrieval cues."

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained that in psychology, the term 'retrieval failure' is used more often than 'forgetting.' He stated that memories successfully stored in long-term memory never disappear; they are merely subject to retrieval failure.

Therefore, he emphasized that recording small clues (stars, hearts, etc.) to retrieve memories at any time plays a key role in memory retention. Professor Kim Kyung-il explained, "We don't often use the term 'forgetting.' It sounds like something is erased. We use the term 'retrieval failure.' So, memories successfully entered into long-term memory never disappear. They are merely subject to retrieval failure."

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained that anxiety is an energy that makes us prepare for the future and take action, but if mismanaged, it can become an incendiary substance. He stated that anxiety is not something to be sealed off but requires a process of checking and reviewing one's state regularly, like a fire management log.

This implies that anxiety can be evidence of being alive and a driving force for growth. Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized the dual nature of anxiety, saying, "Anxiety is an energy that makes me prepare for the future and take action, and if mismanaged, it becomes an incendiary substance that needs to be well-managed."

Regarding the division of household chores between couples, Professor Kim Kyung-il pointed out that insisting on a "fifty-fifty" split when both are struggling results in an ambiguous compromise that satisfies neither side. Psychologists say it is much more efficient to clearly divide roles, assigning "you do this task," and "I do this task."

Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized the importance of clear role division, saying, "When you have to divide tasks like this, psychologists often say, 'Don't try to do it fifty-fifty. It's really hard. You do this task, I do this task.' That's better."

He stated that clearly dividing roles initially allows for a complementary attitude later on, where one might say, 'It's your task, but this time, because you're struggling, I'll do all my work and then do yours too.'

Families are a group that can understand each other's difficulties and offer flexible help, so clear role differentiation can lead to greater long-term bonding and cooperation.

Professor Kim Kyung-il emphasized the paradoxical advantage of task division within families, saying, "For families, I say clearly differentiate tasks. Initially, if you do that, later on, with time, it becomes possible to say, 'Okay, I understand. Even though it's your task, this time, because you're having a hard time, I'll do all my work and then do yours too.'"

This applies to cases where a mother is happier than her child when they get good grades, or more upset than the child when grades drop.

If parents suffer or get angry more than their child, the child loses their emotional autonomy, which can hinder their healthy emotional development.

Professor Kim Kyung-il explained the negative impact of excessive parental empathy on children, saying, "They feel all the emotions the child should be feeling. So, if the child gets good grades, the mother is happier than the child. If the grades drop, she's more upset than the child."