Choosing country life instead of buying a house: Self-esteem from 'responsibility,' not 'ownership'

The couple, in their second year of marriage, revealed that they suffered from an obsession with 'not falling behind others' while living in the city. Many of their friends started their marriages with hundreds of millions of won in support from their parents, but since they were not in such a situation, they decided to break free from the idea of having to do something just by comparing themselves to others. Accordingly, the couple made a plan to save money while young in the countryside where the husband works, have children, and live in a low-cost neighborhood, deciding to move around the end of next year.

They emphasized that self-esteem comes from responsibility, not ownership. Trying to find self-esteem in ownership makes life miserable. Temporarily, when living in a nice house with the help of parents, it feels good, but ownership can change at any time, and there are always people in the world who live better than you. Ultimately, self-esteem based on ownership is bound to have extreme emotional fluctuations like a roller coaster.

Two extreme emotions that appear when trying to find self-esteem in possessions are arrogance and servility. When one has many possessions, even if it's not outwardly expressed, one feels an inner sense of superiority, 'I have this much, and they have that much.' This is essentially an arrogant attitude. Conversely, when meeting someone who has much more, one becomes intimidated and servile. Since the basis of self-esteem is placed on possessions, it is a natural order to shrink before someone who has more. In this way, ownership-based self-esteem creates an unstable state that oscillates between arrogance and servility.

They emphasized that self-esteem comes from 'responsibility,' not ownership. The sense that an individual is responsible for something is important. For example, a person who raises a potted plant or a cat, takes it for walks, and feeds it, unconsciously feels a small sense of self-esteem. Similarly, taking responsibility for oneself is also a source of self-esteem. If you pay your own living expenses, rent, and phone bills, and live for the future, that is an act of taking responsibility for yourself, and self-esteem exists there regardless of your spending level, they explained.

They pointed out that young people living luxurious lives with their fathers' money feel a temporary high when buying luxury goods, but their emotions sink when they are alone at night. This is because they live their lives dependent on others. As they get older and want to express their own voice and do what they want, they realize the reality that they must appease their father. The moment this dependency is confirmed—that they cannot get what they want without appeasing him—they experience a state of rock-bottom self-esteem despite high ownership.

They explained that the self-esteem felt by someone who is responsible for themselves is not a temporary feeling of elation. It is a feeling that can only be felt by calming one's mind, even if not outwardly apparent, derived from the fact that 'I am currently responsible for myself.' Conversely, people who spend a lot but fail to take responsibility for themselves may find it difficult to recognize that they lack self-esteem. They analyzed this as being due to being caught up in the momentary excitement felt when using a credit card.

They said that people who find self-esteem in responsibility, even if they have little and their spending level is low, are worthy of respect if they take responsibility for themselves. Anyone who has directly experienced how difficult it is to take responsibility for oneself will pay homage to those who fulfill their responsibilities, even if they have less. This means that true confidence and respect emerge from the attitude of proactively leading one's own life, regardless of the amount of possessions.

They pointed out that trying to find self-esteem in ownership somehow makes one less confident. This is not because one is showing off, but because self-esteem is based on ownership, leading one to instinctively bow one's head to others. It is foolish to treat someone servilely for no reason, even if there's nothing to gain, and they are not a customer or a teacher, simply because they have more than oneself.

One of the moments when one clearly realizes that self-esteem comes from responsibility is raising children. When one becomes a parent, whether they have money or not, they must take responsibility for their children, which is very difficult. However, they explained that there is no more certain basis for self-esteem than the clear relationship where a child lives because of one's existence. In the process of taking responsibility for their children, parents feel a strong sense of self-esteem regardless of their possessions.

They likened choosing to find self-esteem in ownership to choosing to live a roller-coaster life. When meeting successful people, one feels self-pity, 'Don't we have that?' And conversely, when meeting people who are less fortunate than oneself, one feels a temporary sense of superiority, 'I'm better than them.' They pointed out that this kind of ownership-based self-esteem is a foolish act that constantly compares oneself to others and repeats meaningless pendulum swings.

They explained that while their own book also covers the idea that 'self-esteem comes from responsibility, not ownership,' this fact is by no means obvious. Many people tend to think that if someone has a high level of consumption or many possessions, their self-esteem will also be high, and that graduating from a good school will lead to high self-esteem. They added that a certain degree of provocation is needed to change these perceptions. They emphasized that this teaching is a truth that must be realized through experience.

If the purpose of investment is not to look good to others but for one's own plans and development, then even if the investment does not go well, one can move in a direction that develops oneself, such as 'I was too greedy,' 'I misunderstood the investment,' or 'I didn't know the real estate market.' However, it's different in cases like 'all other houses were bought, but we can't go to the provinces' or 'buying as if being dragged along by others.' When such investment decisions go wrong, only immense pain and regret remain, and nothing is learned from it, they warned.

They posed the question of whether there's a need to wait until one's 40s or 50s for the point in life where one gives up and becomes comfortable, realizing there are no more opportunities. While giving up at that point can be one path, there's no need to wait until that age to let go, they said.

They clarified that not seeking self-esteem in ownership does not mean giving up ownership itself. They still engage in investment activities, analyze investment returns, and continuously think about how to increase their salary. However, they simply do not seek self-esteem from consumption or assets, emphasizing that they continue to invest. This means not denying the desire for ownership itself, but not placing the core basis of self-esteem on ownership.

They explained that saying self-esteem comes from responsibility is actually a 'expedient.' An expedient is like a 'white lie' used temporarily to convey a truth. For example, it's like saying 'there's chocolate outside' to get children out of a burning house. They stated that this emphasis on 'responsibility' is a means to pull people out of the unavoidable roller coaster of suffering, as too many people try to find self-esteem in ownership and end up in pain.

Ultimately, the truth is a state of 'needing nothing,' but they noted that if this message were conveyed directly to the public, not even 2 or 3% would accept it. Therefore, they explained, the story is always delivered in an appealing way. In reality, stripping everything away can lead to a state where even self-esteem is unnecessary, but they acknowledged the reality that such deep truths are difficult for the general public to understand and accept.

They emphasized that investment in money is an unavoidable reality. The responsibility to feed one's family is an unchangeable reality, and the fact that assets grow much faster than salaries is also a reality we face. In this situation, saying 'I won't deal with money' without riding the wave of asset growth is a foolish act, they pointed out. Investment, they argued, is not merely about accumulating wealth but is an essential element for practical survival and the future.

They drew a line, stating that they are not denying the act of earning money itself, but merely not making it the basis of their self-esteem or being obsessed with it. They argued that not being obsessed with money does not mean there's no need to invest. Instead, they questioned why one would not engage in the act of saving money. This emphasizes that it is important to wisely manage and grow money according to practical needs, without making money the ultimate goal of life or a measure of self-esteem.

They explained that the very process of saving money to buy a house is an important life-learning process. Saving a large sum of money is very difficult and requires a lot of effort, such as limiting spending and making plans. However, the self-control and planning learned in this process become essential skills later when children are born or when preparing for old age. Therefore, the process of saving money goes beyond merely accumulating wealth; it has an educational meaning of acquiring essential life skills, they emphasized.

They re-emphasized that not seeking self-esteem in ownership but in responsibility is the exact opposite of negating ownership itself. We still own, but we simply do not use ownership as the basis of our confidence, they explained. This is not about ignoring material things but embodies the philosophy that material possessions should not be the core factor determining an individual's value or self-esteem.